This was posted in the comments section by loyal reader Lilac. Definitely worthy of front page coverage.

Dear Mrs Merkel,

One was delighted to hear that the German people have re-elected you as chancellor of Greece, governor of the Bank of Spain and minister for debt of Italy. One understands that the celebrations in southern Europe have already started, with people out on the streets starting bonfires and shouting to mark the momentous occasion. They must be thrilled.

It is comforting to know that someone of your experience is holding the wheel in Europe. As one’s ancestor, the Kaiser, used to say: “Look after the Spanish and the Germans will look after themselves.”

You must be disappointed at the prospect of many more years of coalition, though. One can relate of course, having at least another 18 months of Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny running the United Kingdom. They’re like two toddlers in a sandpit fighting over the spade.

Anyway, as your undoubted Sovereign lady and over-lord, one wanted to take this opportunity to set out a few priorities for the coming months of your new term in office.

1. The Eurovision Song Contest. Can we discuss? It’s just that one seems to be paying a bloody great big share of the bill without a noticeable amount of success. One wonders if we ought to get Putin on the case to pick up the tab?

2. Isn’t it about time you started using a real currency again, rather than Monopoly money? The Duke of Edinburgh says a Euro is “not worth a fart in a jar” and one worries that he has a point. Although don’t get any ideas about adopting Sterling. We’re keeping the real money firmly this side of the Channel.

3. Are you absolutely, entirely sure you don’t want Bono? As you know, he was part of the deal when one bought Ireland a number of years ago and one wouldn’t mind moving him on, to be quite honest.

4. The Queen of Spain asked one to ask if she could have her country back.

5. One doesn’t like to complain, as you know, but there’s a squeaking sound coming from the wheel of one’s Bentley and in all likelihood it’s not one of the bits that the British built. Could you ask someone your end to take a look?

6. Mr Osborne asked if you wanted to buy Royal Mail? Oh, and could you lend him a fiver?

One wishes you a happy and successful further four years in office.

Europe owes you a great debt. Literally.

As ever, your loving Queen

Elizabeth R